Ramble On Sports

Where sports, pop culture and everything else collide.

Twelve random (and heartless) predictions for each of the NFL playoff teams

Posted by bdowd625 on January 8, 2010

AFC

Baltimore Ravens – Ray Lewis kills a man with his own two hands on Saturday night, a jury acquits him of all wrongdoing on Sunday morning and the Patriots still go out and stomp him and the rest of the Ravens that afternoon to advance to the next round.

Cincinatti Bengals – The Bengals seem to think they’re going to magically flip a switch and reverse their results against the Jets following an absolute beatdown last week. Instead, Chris Henry’s fiancee runs over the entire offensive line with a pickup truck and, with no protection, Carson Palmer ends up on his back all game long and the Bengals get bounced from the postseason. (Ouch, too soon?)

Indianapolis Colts – After filming 38 commercials leading up to the Colts’ second-round game, an exhausted Peyton Manning sleeps through his alarm clock, forcing Curtis Painter into the starting quarterback role. We all know how that one plays out. Can you spell interception?

New England Patriots – Wes Welker has his injured leg amputated, he puts on a bionic limb and then leads the Pats with 17 catches for 165 yards to help New England down Baltimore. Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?

New York Jets – Mark Sanchez becomes the first NFL quarterback in the league’s history to throw seven interceptions in one game and still earn the win. You can thank Thomas Jones and Brad Smith for their 300 rushing yards, Mark.

San Diego Chargers – Isn’t Norv Turner still their head coach? Yeah, they ain’t winnin’ anything this year.

NFC

Arizona Cardinals – Kurt Warner goes down early with an injury and Matt Leinart is forced to take over at quarterback. Right on cue, Leinart channels his old self from his USC days and leads the Cardinals to a win. Then, immediately after the game, he attends a hot tub party in Scottsdale and proceeds to sleep with every 18 year old there.

Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo realizes what an idiot he was by swapping Carrie Underwood for Jessica Simpson and, in an attempt to gain some peace of mind, he heads to Mexico during the Cowboys’ opening-round game against Philadelphia. Miraculously, Dallas wins without him.

Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rogers cements his place as the Packers’ newest quarterback legend, throwing four interceptions in a devestating loss to the Cardinals.

Minnesota Vikings – Given a week off to rest up for the second round of the playoffs, Brett Favre tears his ACL filming a new Wrangler Jeans commercial, one in which he wears a purple shirt instead of that green and yellow Packer nonsense they made him sport in the first one. Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels combine to throw 11 interceptions in Minnesota’s first playoff game, as the Vikings lose, 245-7.

New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees and the Saints, after ending the regular season with some bad losses, actually lose their first playoff game. I know, this isn’t a random prediction. But I think it’s more telling than anything else I could’ve possibly written about them. It looks like that game against the Patriots was the Super Bowl for them too because they’ve looked pretty beatable ever since.

Philadelphia Eagles – Donovan McNabb starts dryheaving in the huddle on the Eagles’ first possession against the Cowboys. Philadelphia is within striking distance late in the game, but McNabb, the most overrated quarterback of the last decade, really starts vomiting in the fourth quarter and is forced to leave the game. Dallas hangs on for the victory.

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