Ramble On Sports

Where sports, pop culture and everything else collide.

American Idol returns!!!!!

Posted by Bill Koch on January 12, 2010

American Idol logo

We promise pop culture here at Ramble On, and tonight we’ll deliver with a running diary of the most popular television show in America. Yes, I’m talking about American Idol.

Stop for a bit before you jump down my throat and call me a vagine for watching this show. I’m not like most people who tune in to see undiscovered singing talent. No, this show appeals to my cruel side. I watch it for the first two weeks because I want to see the worst of the worst and just how badly they can piss off Simon Cowell. I want to hear how many “dogs” Randy Jackson can drop. I want to take in the sight of the lovely Kara Dioguardi.

I usually take in the first few nights of Idol on my couch at home with my Mom and Dad. My Dad and I might be two of the most cynical, sarcastic people in the world – the disastrous performances are made for our respective cutting edges to feast upon. There’s no better way to unload a little misery than to watch the suffering of others, and there’s sure to be plenty of that tonight.

And so, let’s begin the final season of Cowell the right way…by crushing people.

8:01 – And we’re back!!! Ryan Seacrest is breaking down the offseason action on American Idol, complete with Paula Abdul flushing her career down the toilet for the second time because she felt insulted by the show’s three-year, $45-million offer. We’re told that Ellen Degeneres is the new permanent judge, which starts the criticism flowing. “I don’t understand how she’s qualified to do that,” says my Mom. For my Mom, who is usually the sympathetic one, to throw that out there is a bad sign. This could get ugly early. I’m with Mom on this one for the record – Ellen isn’t funny, her dancing isn’t funny and her daytime abortion of a talk show isn’t funny. She can’t possibly act as dopey as Paula did, because I’ve seen her in a couple of movies – she can’t act at all.

8:05 – And here we are in rainy Boston! Well, maybe not Boston – it looks more like Gillette Stadium to me. Sorry, Foxboro.

8:06 – Posh Spice is going to tell us about singing? Really? The same Posh Spice who was in The Spice Girls? I guess so. Judging by her appearance Posh couldn’t tell us much about steakhouses…yikes.

8:08 – And of course, we start with a trainwreck. Janet learned how to sing two years ago – while playing the American Idol video game. Dad can’t wait. Mom can’t wait. And…..yep, Janet’s awful. Cowell just asked to jump out of a 30-story building. We’re off to a great start.

8:16 – Idol always follows up the trainwrecks with a story that tugs at the heart, and Maddy Curtis is the chosen one this year. I tuned out her tale of woe because I could care less and I’m a heartless bastard, but I heard something about adopting siblings with disabilities and being the last of nine kids in her family. Big freakin’ deal. And of course, Maddy lands this year’s first ticket to Hollywood and sappy congratulations from Seacrest. Ah, good times.

8:21 – One unknown dynamic about the Boston area for those of you who aren’t from near here – people from Northern New England, like those from Vermont, Maine and New Hampshire, have this ridiculous capacity to be hayseeds. This latest idiot from Derry, NH, proves my point. Womanizer? Really? Randy just told him to stop singing forever…BUT HE GOT A HUG FROM KARA FOR ACTING LIKE A JACKASS!!!! I’d make a fool of myself for that too……

8:28 – First Carrie Underwood commercial of the night, which makes this next statement mandatory: Tony Romo is an IDIOT. Talk about selling low to buy WAY too high. Jessica Simpson? Romo’s bad decisions clearly aren’t limited to the football field.

8:31 – Randy just dropped his first “dog” of the night. This has to be the longest he’s ever gone into a season of Idol without dropping a “dog” before. Needless to say, I’m thinking that Randy is losing his fastball.

8:34 – Next up we have Derek Hilton, who says he likes Chris Brown because he “touches kids all over the world.” Uhhh, yeah – insert Michael Jackson joke here. Too soon? Not even close.

8:42 – Mary Doyle, Kimono designer, Walpole, Mass. Yeah, has a nice ring to it. This audition should be fun. “She’s got to be horrible,” said Dad. Mom fires out a “Walpole? Did they let her out of prison?” If Mom’s already crushing her, this can’t be good. Mary slaughters Janis Joplin and proceeds to fight with Cowell over his criticism. This is the classic Idol moment and exactly why I tune in.

8:48 – Kara’s about to throw haymakers at some emo douchebag named Andrew Fenlon. He’s listed as an “unemployed musician” – shocking to say the least – and it’s about to get ugly. Apparently Andrew didn’t like waiting eight hours for his audition and is acting like a hostile prick toward Cowell and the panel. Kara’s laying a verbal smackdown on this kid and he looks shocked, like he’s never heard any form of discipline in his life. The panel votes no three times before Cowell votes yes and breaks into a sinister grin. This is pure comedy gold.

9:02 – Tyler Grady just made the mistake of admitting to the panel that he broke both arms when he fell out of a tree. Cowell just can’t resist and fires out a “Were you wearing binoculars?” Somehow he pulls out a decent audition and gets through to Hollywood, mainly because Kara and Posh are slobbering all over the table and going through their 14-year-old puppy love stages again every time they look at this kid.

9:11 – Day 2 in Boston starts with an anti-Britain montage and some stupid jokes about how Cowell’s homeland lost The Revolutionary War. Yep, this is clearly a FOX production. Come on guys. Tell me about something other than Paul Revere and John Adams. I would have paid more attention finishing my history minor at BU if I wanted to know this stuff.

9:15 – Codzilla? Actors on speedboats? Now THIS is what I’m looking for out of FOX. The chance that people could be thrown into the mercury-infested Charles River is exactly what I want to see. Oh yeah – this guy Mike is covering Yesterday by The Beatles and is actually the first Day 2 audition to get through to Hollywood. He works on a boat named Codzilla…well, you know the rest already.

9:23 – Here’s another Idol staple – the sweetheart kid who America falls in love with. Katie Stevens is a 16-year-old from Connecticut whose grandmother has Alzheimer’s disease. Katie’s trying to win the competition to give her grandmother one last great memory to take with her into the great beyond. Not even I can rip this story – I fear the lightning bolts and path of utter destruction that would follow me for the rest of my life if I say anything. Moving on – quickly.

9:29 – Randy drops his second “dog” of the night. Something’s wrong here. He’s about 1,368 “dogs” behind schedule.

9:36 – Now Idol drops a story about a cancer survivor on us. I’m having a hard time with this – are they cushioning us for Cowell’s departure after this season by throwing all this sappy shit out here? Is Idol about to lose its edge? If that happens then the show loses me as well – not a fan of this philosophical shift at all.

9:45 – Thank God for Cowell. He just eviscerated this guy Norberto and actually decided this is how LaToya Jackson would look and sound if she had a beard. Fantastic. I was thinking more along the lines of Axl Rose in drag, but that’ll do.

9:53 – Dad’s on my wavelength here and calling for more trainwrecks. He’s noticed the difference as well. The kinder, gentler Idol isn’t exactly getting it done, and now Dad is calling for a one-hour Idol with nothing but trainwrecks. Are you hearing this people? I never had a chance to be a compassionate person from Day 1.

10:00 – And that’s it for night one. Aside from Andrew’s near brawl with Kara, it was a disappointment if I’m being honest. But that’s the good thing about the Idol auditions – there are thousands of them, and the show will be back tomorrow night from Atlanta. It’ll be another chance to laugh at the misery of others, and I know some of you out there will be right there with me.

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