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NBA stars hitting high notes with Keys?

Posted by Bill Koch on February 15, 2010

Alicia Keys

Which NBA superstar went home with Alicia Keys in Dallas on Sunday night?

That was the question that my buddy Urs posed to me while watching the halftime show of the NBA All-Star game, and it got me thinking a little bit. We here at Ramble On aren’t stupid enough to actually believe that Swizz Beatz, Keys’ current boyfriend and allegedly some douchebag hip-hop producer, has any chance up against LeBron James or Dwyane Wade if they walked out onto the court at halftime and tried to work their magic on Keys at Cowboys Stadium. There’s no way she could resist trying to wreck another home – she ruined the everlasting Swizz union to his wife just to get her man – for the chance at some $100 million NBA superstar love.

With that in mind, let’s break down some odds of how basketball’s best might have done while smashing 40s and mimosas well into the dawn hours over the weekend.

Chris Paul/Deron Williams/Rajon Rondo/Derrick Rose: 25/1
These four guys get lumped together because they are the new alpha dogs at the point guard position in the NBA, edging aside aging veterans like Steve Nash and Tony Parker. Nash (Alejandra Amarilla) and Parker (Eva Longoria) are both already married to celebrity smokeshows and aren’t likely to get into this conversation. Paul, Williams, Rondo and Rose all went through puberty around the time Keys hit the big time, probably leaving some mental images in their minds that aren’t clean enough to print here. She seems a little too strong for any of them, likely in need of someone who is a little older and a little bit more polished. Their day will come when she’s headed down the other side of the mountain at 35-40 and they’re just entering their respective primes.

Kevin Garnett: 5/1
KG is well into the back nine of his career, probably somewhere around the 16th hole after all the miles he’s put on those knees since coming to the NBA straight out of high school, but he’s still got enough of a fastball left to get some WORK in. Don’t forget this about Garnett – he’s made a quarter of a billion dollars in salary alone while playing in the league. Let that figure roll around in your head for a bit: $250,000,000. The last time KG heard the word ‘no’ was when he asked Doc Rivers during last year’s postseason if Doc really had a clue how to coach a team that wasn’t obviously the most talented group in the league to Banner No. 18.

Kobe Bryant: 3/1
We already know that Kobe is an unashamed cheater and has very little in the way of standards (Kate Faber? Really?). We also know that the last time he got caught he ended up $4 million lighter courtesy of that pink diamond that his wife Vanessa wears to this day to remind her husband of what an absolute moron he really is to get caught like that. All Kobe has to do is look at that ring finger for a constant reminder that he shouldn’t do it again, but as the old saying goes, a leopard really never does change its spots. The Black Mamba probably hasn’t either.

Dwyane Wade: 2/1

Wade’s got what the NBA Draft experts call a ton of upside. He’s young enough (28), but not too young. He lives in Miami, one of the best cities in the world to waste the days away while partying on the beach and looking sexy. He’s about to be a free agent in June and cash in on a contract that will pay him upwards of $120 million. He’s still got plenty of street cred from his days growing up on the South Side of Chicago. He’s lived a little bit – he’s got two kids with his ex-wife, Siovaughn, his high school sweetheart – and is enough of a player to have dated Gabrielle Union. His game clearly never left him despite that little trip down the aisle. Wade could have been The Guy if not for…

LeBron James: 1/200
He’s the self-proclaimed Global Icon. He’s still in a relationship with his high school sweetheart, a notion so outdated that it’s laughable (see Dwyane Wade). Out of all the women in the world, would LeBron seriously choose Savannah Brinson now if he was a single man? I think we all know the answer to that question…and don’t lie, ladies. You know it too. And I see you Alicia – wasn’t that LeBron’s hotel suite?

One Response to “NBA stars hitting high notes with Keys?”

  1. Anonymous said

    Headed down the other side of the mountain at 35~40…for real? Time to move out of your parents basement and get a sense of what real women are like…even those over 40!

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