Ramble On Sports

Where sports, pop culture and everything else collide.

Tiger back on the prowl at The Masters

Posted by Bill Koch on March 16, 2010

Tiger Woods

Women of Augusta, consider this your official warning.

We here at Ramble On feel obligated to provide the occasional public service, and that’s what we’re trying to do with this post today. It’s just been announced that Tiger Woods is returning to competitive golf in your town, and his off-course prowling gives us some cause for concern on your behalf.

Tiger will make his comeback at The Masters, strolling the hallowed fairways at Augusta National where he’s won four previous green jackets. As with everything else that Tiger does, this is a strategic move designed to protect what’s left (very little) of both his career and his image. The sex rehab-enrolling, Ambien-popping, painkiller-addicted former golden boy of the PGA has lost some of the shine off his star since that mini-soap opera erupted at his Florida home back in November, and you just have to be prepared for what’s headed your way.

Career-wise, this was always the move Tiger would have made. He wants to break Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major titles won, and he’s not going to be able to do that by hiding out on his yacht or hanging in Hattiesburg with the rest of the rejects who weren’t cast by Dr. Drew on VH1. Augusta suits Tiger’s game perfectly – wide fairways, little wind, receptive greens – and gives him a chance to win immediately. That would put the focus back on his game and take it off his games.

Ah yes, Tiger’s image. It’s been destroyed and he’s been exposed as the fraud so many people thought he was behind the scenes. Tiger’s nothing more than a shameless liar who cheated on Elin Nordegren, one of the world’s most beautiful women, with a collection of skanks that would have made Ron Jeremy blush. Of course, you won’t hear a word about that at Augusta. The tournament organizers there run The Masters with an iron fist, and there’s no chance that any of the gossip Web sites who will pick through Tiger’s trash cans, tail his Escalade and fly alongside his G4 for the rest of his life will ever be granted a media credential to roam the grounds in search of more salacious details. It’s the perfect alternative for Tiger, who can continue to release his watered-down version of the events that put his life squarely into freefall and watch as the golf writers keep their focus 80 percent on the course.

Tiger will be all business between the ropes. He’ll maintain a respectful distance from his fellow professionals to avoid distracting them before the PGA’s opening major of the season. He’ll stick close to the script in his press conferences – “I was wrong, I’m ashamed, I let my family down” – as he always does. It’s what goes on when he leaves the Augusta National grounds that has us concerned for your emotional health, ladies. Don’t say we never did anything for you.

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One Response to “Tiger back on the prowl at The Masters”

  1. Anonymous said

    There are women at Augusta? Oh, that’s right. . .they wait tables and clean up after the men.

    Low on the power chain and in a time of life where quick cash from a Vanity Fair semi-nude photo shoot looks like a way up.

    Just Tiger’s type.

    In an effort to save Tiger from himself, perhaps the management at Augusta National should only hire women who look and talk like Martha Burk. . .

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/09/AR2008040902511.html

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