Ramble On Sports

Where sports, pop culture and everything else collide.

An NBA Finals preview, Celtics style

Posted by Bill Koch on June 3, 2010

Paul Pierce

We’ve never backed down from a chance to rip someone here at Ramble On, and today the Los Angeles Lakers are in our sights. Game 1 of the NBA Finals tips off tonight at the Staples Center, the renewal of one of the greatest rivalries in sports when the Boston Celtics go in search of their second title in three seasons against Los Angeles. This is the series that everyone wanted to see throughout the 1980s, and history is repeating itself.

Leave it to the Lakers to be classless during the buildup to the rematch of the 2008 Finals, a series in which they were smoked by 39 points in the clinching Game 6. Of course Kobe Bryant doesn’t want to talk about history – he’s 0-1 against Boston in The Finals and his franchise is 2-9. And still Los Angeles finds ways to try to talk smack, which leads us to Ted Green and his disgraceful attack on Paul Pierce in weekend editions of the Los Angeles Times.

Green was doing what douche bags do best – trying to be edgy and funny and failing miserably. He didn’t count on a response from us, but he’s about to receive it. You started this fight, Mr. Green, and Ramble On is about to finish it. So, without further delay, we present our guide to hating the Lakers.

— Kobe Bryant, No. 24: Don’t hate Kobe because he allegedly raped Kate Faber (for the record, we don’t believe that he did). Hate Kobe because he ruined things for men everywhere. That $4 million ring that he bought his wife, Vanessa, after cheating with that skank in Colorado set the bar even higher for guilt gifts after we make mistakes. Kobe single-handedly proved one of the oldest sayings that exist in male-female relations – Show me the most beautiful woman in the world, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of sleeping with her. Thanks, Kobe. We really needed the extra headaches.

— Ron Artest, No. 37: We think this video speaks for itself…

Detroit is an absolute shithole – we acknowledge that. Its fans are disgraceful. The Bad Boys, the Pistons’ nickname when Bill Laimbeer, Rick Mahorn and Dennis Rodman were slugging their way through the paint and helping to ruin the NBA, are one of our least favorite groups of human beings in sports history. With all that said, we actually felt bad for Detroit that night. Only Artest could make us sympathetic with Detroit involved in any way.

— Pau Gasol, No. 16: Our problem isn’t directly with Gasol. The trade that brought him from Memphis to Los Angeles is where we have an issue, and it’s because Chris Wallace was the Grizzlies’ general manager who made the lopsided deal that handed the Lakers three straight appearances in The Finals. You remember Wallace, Boston fans – he’s the guy who brought us a drunken Vin Baker, passed on Richard Jefferson twice and on Tony Parker, Gerald Wallace and Mehmet Okur three times in favor of Joseph Forte in the 2001 NBA Draft and basically sent the Celtics back to The Stone Age in terms of being anywhere close to winning a championship.

— Lamar Odom, No. 7: He quit on the Clippers and the Heat, transgressions that wouldn’t be as easily approved if Odom didn’t play in the effort-optional NBA. Odom is playing pretty well now, so we’ll focus on his off court behavior instead. Who eats four pounds of candy in one day? Odom does. Who gets married after dating someone for a month? Odom does. Who falls on the grenade despite having $55 million in the bank and marries The Ugly Kardashian Sister? Odom does. Well played, Lamar. Well played.


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