Ramble On Sports

Where sports, pop culture and everything else collide.

Woods, Nordegren finalize divorce

Posted by Bill Koch on August 24, 2010

Don’t think for a second that we here at Ramble On would miss the fact that Elin Nordegren is now officially back on the market.

It’s just taken us a couple of days to process that Norway’s finest is single again after she and Tiger Woods finalized the terms of their divorce on Monday. We have no doubt that Nordegren is banking quite a chunk of Tiger’s sizeable fortune and that we won’t get to hear much of what she thinks about the entire chain of events that started on Thanksgiving and spiraled from there. Confidentiality agreements usually rule when people are this famous and this much cash is involved.

That’s never stopped us before here at Ramble On from giving our readers what they want. Care to guess what Nordegren was thinking from the time she smashed a golf club through the rear window of that Escalade? Follow along with us here.

Nov. 25, 2009 – The National Enquirer reports that Tiger has been having an affair with Rachel Uchitel. Nordegren is unthreatened and unimpressed – this sort of gossip comes with the territory when you’re married to a rich, famous international superstar.

Nov. 27, 2009 – Tiger cracks up his Escalade while zonked out on Ambien after Nordegren chases him down the driveway of their Florida home brandishing a golf club. No doubt she waited until Tiger cracked a beer and a couple of sleeping pills, ripped through his Blackberry and found text messages from Jaimee Grubbs, another member of the roster of skanks that Tiger was dabbling in on the side.

Dec. 2, 2009 – Tiger makes an apology on his website for some unnamed ‘transgressions.’ It’s full damage control now.

Dec. 2009 – Women begin coming forward by the hundreds insisting that they slept with Tiger, a shameful list that includes pornstars, escorts, IHOP waitresses, MILFs, GILFs, teenager neighbors…the list still goes on. Nordegren is long gone by this point but thinking on some level, ‘None of them are as hot as me. It’s cool. I win.’

Feb. 19, 2010 – Tiger emerges from hiding on his yacht, Privacy, to deliver a statement at a self-arranged press conference that comes off about as badly as you would imagine for a guy who basically says, ‘I was married to one of the most beautiful women in the world and pissed it all away by cheating with a shameful list that includes pornstars, escorts, IHOP waitresses, MILFs, GILFs, teenager neighbors…the list still goes on.’

April 8, 2010 – Tiger returns to golf at The Masters and finishes fourth, walking down Magnolia Lane all alone and getting on his G4 as fast as he can to avoid the press. Phil Mickelson wins the tournament, hugs his cancer-stricken wife, kisses his three kids, fires a shoutout to his cancer-stricken mother and basically melts the heart of everyone not named Tiger Woods. Nordegren watches the scene from some unknown location where all smokeshows hide and nods knowingly, fully aware of the contrast between the two men and how shockingly clear it has now become.

Aug. 23, 2010 – Tiger and Nordegren finalize the terms of their divorce. Tiger attempts to move on with his shattered life. Nordegren plots her revenge by planning to marry someone who could buy and sell Tiger, make her the queen of a country somewhere and be a better father to her kids than a PED-using, Ambien-abusing, whore-indulging mess that can’t find the fairway off the tee anymore.


7 Responses to “Woods, Nordegren finalize divorce”

  1. Brittney said

    This. Was. Great.

    love it.

  2. […] Elin Nordegren got it right. Tiger Woods cheats, Nordegren finds out. Nordegren takes the kids and leaves. Nordegren sues for divorce, settles out of court and walks away. No further questions were asked. There weren’t any second chances given, clearly because Nordegren knows that second chances are rarely as good as the first. The damage is already done. That doubt, that broken trust, will always linger somewhere at the front or back of your mind. […]

  3. […] Tiger was a distraction before everything in his personal life exploded. Players wither in his presence and in front of galleries that explode in size when he’s in their […]

  4. […] but the short stuff was impossible. As we’ve seen since Tiger decided to flush his entire life and detonate his marriage to the ravishing Elin Nordegren, hitting fairways and greens is something he doesn’t know much about […]

  5. […] his 14 career majors and about how he almost expected Woods to make this putt based on his history. History, Dan, is in the past. Woods blew his putt through the break and past the right edge to send the match to the 18th […]

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