Ramble On Sports

Where sports, pop culture and everything else collide.

Ramble On delivers its Week 1 NFL wrap-up

Posted by Bill Koch on September 14, 2010

Since this was a special week of NFL action – Week 1, of course – we’re not quite ready to turn the page just yet. For your reading pleasure, if you missed any of the action from any of the games, we’ll give you a few words on each of them here. Of course, these recaps will be done Ramble On-style. That means that no prisoners will be taken, much like how the Patriots behaved against the Bengals on Sunday. (Sorry to jump the gun, but we couldn’t resist.)

— New Orleans 14, Minnesota 9
Brett Favre looked like a 41-year-old quarterback who decided to skip training camp, who was receiving lubricant injections in his ankle before and after the game and who was missing his top receiver from last season. Oh wait – the answer is D, all of the above. Favre isn’t getting any younger anytime soon, his ankle won’t heal and Sidney Rice is out for at least half the year. The Vikings are in trouble.

— Tennessee 38, Oakland 13
Another year, same old Raiders. It could be the same young Raiders as well – they suck no matter what. Chris Johnson picked up right where he left off for the Titans during his 2,000-yard season in 2009. We can’t wait to see if he has a realistic chance to do it again or if Oakland is just that bad as usual. We’ll go with a little from Column A and a little from Column B.

— New York Giants 31, Carolina 16
For some reason we can never trust Eli Manning. On Sunday, we had reasons – turnovers against a lousy Panthers defense. Fortunately for our gambling interests, Matt Moore was even worse under center for Carolina. That sound you just heard is that little douche Jimmy Clausen getting ready to lose games, get hammered in a bar in Charlotte and try to defend his honor at some bar just like he did during his Notre Dame career.

— Houston 34, Indianapolis 24
Welcome to the NFL, Arian Foster. You’re going to love playing the Colts and their gutless rush defense twice a year in the AFC South after you steamrolled them for 231 yards and three touchdowns on Sunday. Peyton Manning and his bunch of frauds looked like they were on the 16th hole in this one, their divisional dominance about ready to crumble.

— Jacksonville 24, Denver 17
Where was your Lord and Savior this Sunday, Tim Tebow? Two rushing yards? TWO?! NO PASS ATTEMPTS?! That’s pathetic. Josh McDaniels must be throwing up in his mouth right now after wasting a first round pick on a guy who can’t play the position that he was drafted to play.

— Pittsburgh 15, Atlanta 9 (OT)
This win is a bonus for the Steelers with Ben Rapelisberger sidelined and serving his four-game suspension for getting away with sexual assault for the second time in his professional career. Just nine points for Matt Ryan and the Falcons? You all should have known better than to bet on a Boston College guy to get a man’s job done.

— Miami 15, Buffalo 10
It wasn’t pretty, but the Dolphins can’t afford to be dropping games against the Bills if they want to live up to their sleeper status in the AFC East. These guys – not the Jets – are the true challengers to the Patriots in the division.

— New England 38, Cincinnati 24
Forget about what happened in the second half. The Patriots were dominant in this one, slapping the Bengals around from the opening whistle. They scored on offense, defense and special teams. They looked fast and physical. They looked like the Patriots look. Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens? Just like they’ve always been – all sizzle and no steak. Nobody wins with those two clowns on the team, especially not their quarterback. You’ve been warned, Carson Palmer.

— Chicago 19, Detroit 14
The Bears won this game, but just like Mr. Ducksworth in The Mighty Ducks they didn’t earn it. Only a ridiculous interpretation of an equally ridiculous NFL rule denied Calvin Johnson the winning touchdown inside the final minute. Look for the league to quietly adjust this between the 2010 and 2011 seasons – if we even have football next year.

— Tampa Bay 17, Cleveland 14
The Buccaneers just screwed themselves. This was an early battle for a top-5 pick in the 2011 Draft, and Tampa made the mistake of going to 1-0. For once, Cleveland has the right idea.

— Seattle 28, San Francisco 6
This is a win that Pete Carroll won’t have to give back, unlike most of his fraudulent tenure as the head coach at USC. Alex Smith and the 49ers were horrendous and are no doubt in for a week of hell after Mike Singletary gets a hold of them. That guy’s like the scary high school coach who will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life.

— Green Bay 27, Philadelphia 20
That sound you’ve been hearing since about 6 p.m. on Sunday is Philly fan screaming about how Michael Vick should replace Kevin Kolb at quarterback. A quick note, Eagles’ fans – you just traded a quarterback who wasn’t accurate enough for your high standards, and now you want Vick and his career 50-something percent completion rate? Good luck with that.

— Arizona 17, St. Louis 13
Store it away folks – rookie quarterbacks hardly ever win in the NFL. They NEVER win on the road. Adjust your betting lines against Sam Bradford accordingly. He just lost his debut against Derek Anderson. Yes, the Derek Anderson who stole all that money from the Browns.

— Washington 13, Dallas 7
We demand that a camera be placed on Jerry Jones at all times when the Cowboys are playing from now on. We wanted to see his reaction when his idiot, puppet coach (Wade Phillips) and his overpaid offensive coordinator (Jason Garrett)ended up calling the play that turned into the leader in the clubhouse for the NFL Blooper of the Year. We hope Tashard Choice and Alex Barron are renting and not buying in the Dallas-Fort Worth area after their respective mistakes allowed Donovan McNabb to go 15-for-32 in his Redskins’ debut and actually win the game.

— Kansas City 21, San Diego 14
We should have seen this one coming. There were two major factors at play in soggy Arrowhead Stadium. The Chiefs are currently being put together by Scott Pioli, the man who drafted and traded for the players that turned into the Patriots’ Dynasty from 2000-2004. He knows what he’s doing. Secondly, Norv Turner’s teams always start and finish poorly. They take September off, win for the next three months and then suck again in the postseason. Rinse and repeat.

— Baltimore 10, New York Jets 9
Do we really want to pile on here? Yep, we do. We heard enough from the Jets to last seven lifetimes during the preseason and now karma is coming back with a bite big enough to take a chunk out of even Rex Ryan’s mammoth ass. Kris Jenkins is out for the year. New York’s quarterback, Mark Sanchez, looks like an overhyped product of the Manhattan media machine. Darrelle Revis is a non-factor because Antonio Cromartie is too busy looking for all of his kids and Kyle Wilson is certain to play like a rookie – and that’s not a compliment. Matt Slauson is still on the ground wondering what that was that blocked out the lights in the new Swamps of Jersey Dump as it passed over him. (Pssssssssst……Hey Matt. That was Haloti Ngata.) And the Patriots are just as pissed off as Ray Lewis was when he caved in Dustin Keller’s chest – you just won’t hear them say anything about it this week. Their feelings will be made clear on the field this Sunday during Week 2 of NFL action, and we can’t wait for it. NOW LET’S GO GET A GOD DAMNED SNACK!!

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