In keeping with our promise of providing pop culture here at Ramble On, we’re here tonight with our contribution about one of television’s current premier series.
Jersey Shore returned to MTV on Thursday night, with the self-proclaimed guidos and guidettes of Seaside Heights transplanted to South Beach and the sin-driven culture that only a place like Miami can offer. We secretly fear for their lives – turning this group of people loose in that environment is extremely dangerous for them and everyone else that comes into contact with them. It’s like watching a car accident – you just can’t turn away.
And we don’t plan on turning away any point this season. We’ll be providing updates along the way, and we’ll open things up with a running diary tonight. Enjoy all the fist-pumping, hair-gelled, fake-tanned action along with us.
9:50 p.m. – And we’re back!! Fearless predictions for the new season with Pauly D, The Situation, Ronnie, Vinny, J-Woww, Snooki, Sammi and Angelina include:
— Vinny will be this year’s breakout star. He’ll go from the quiet, shy, sensitive kid in the background to straight pimp and still manage to be somewhat likeable. Few people can pull this off, but he can.
— Ronnie and Sammi will try to kill each other no fewer than three times. We’ll set the line at 2.5. Let the betting begin. There’s no way that I could live with an ex-girlfriend under normal circumstances, much less be hammered drunk and sleep three hours a night for two months with one of them under the same roof.
— The Situation will be mentally broken by the end of this season. His arrogance will be cracked by one of the housemates and we’ll see him vulnerable for the first time. Percentages dictate that it just has to happen at some point.
10:02 p.m. – Pauly D and The Situation are heading to Miami on a road trip. Needless to say, we hope they had the good sense to buy a GPS. They could end up in Bermuda without one.
10:05 p.m. – J-Woww and Snooki are heading to Miami on a road trip. See above.
10:06 p.m. – Sammi informs us that she and Ronnie ‘both decided to be single.’ Translation – Sammi’s ass got dumped.
10:08 p.m. – Pauly D reveals that he hooked up with Angelina at a club in L.A. – and that she might be headed to Miami. Just what we wanted to see this season – screaming girls trying to cock block people. That’s what we’ve been waiting for since the last season ended.
10:14 p.m. – Anybody else out there who doesn’t find Will Ferrell the least bit funny? I won’t even use the title of his new movie here because I don’t want to give it any sort of promotion. I could just as easily scream, yell and make an absolute fool of myself on camera. That doesn’t make me the least bit funny. WHAT, YOU DON’T AGREE WITH ME??!! WHY NOT??!!
10:20 p.m. – Angelina enters the Miami apartment begging for a second chance. Buy a clue, sweetheart – the gravy train already left the station. You made the biggest mistake of your life about a year ago, and there ain’t no coming back from that.
10:22 p.m. – A commercial for Exotic Tans? This is a little more of what we expected. It doesn’t matter that it might be the worst-produced 30 seconds in the history of television, that the sound quality was terrible, that the imagery was horrific and that the graphics were out of the 1980s. Unlimited tanning for $18.18 was all we needed to see. We’re in.
10:24 p.m. – Angelina talks her way into a room with Pauly D and The Situation. She’s wearing jean shorts that could double as bikini bottoms, and we think that she should just come right out and admit that she wants to have a threesome with them and get it over with.
10:27 p.m. – Sammi admits that she’s nervous to see Ronnie, that she still has feelings for him and that she’s still hurt about the way things ended. Yeah, sure Sammi – you ‘both decided to be single.’ It sure sounds that way to us right now.
10:28 p.m. – ‘I’m still a little nervous about seeing Ron. I’m scared that I still, like, love him.’ Thanks for that candid confessional, Sammi. Just a reminder, Ramble On readers – still a mutual breakup in progress.
10:35 p.m. – J-Woww and Snooki make it pretty clear that there’s going to be drama with Angelina right from the start. We can’t wait to see it. Take notes, ladies – men don’t want to deal with anything that these three women are about to do to each other. We don’t want to see it. We don’t want to hear about it. We don’t want you to complain to us about it, even if you’re our girlfriends or wives. We find it stupid, childish and ridiculous. We know that some of you love drama. We don’t and never will.
10:41 p.m. – We seem to remember a certain hot tub scene during the first season where Angelina objected to the guys being in the rooftop hot tub with a bunch of girls. Now she’s the first woman to join them in the hot tub in the new crib in Miami? This, folks, is the definition of irony.
10:44 p.m. – J-Woww is challenging Angelina to a fight in a cab. The true surprise isn’t that this is happening. The true surprise is that it took 44 minutes for this to happen. A camera shot of the cab driver’s face would have been worth $1 million. Sadly, that didn’t happen.
10:49 p.m. – Ronnie and Sammi are fighting in a club. Again, see above.
10:51 p.m. – I think Vinny just made up a word. Verify this for us, Ramble On readers – obliviated? Our Windows 7 spell check says that it’s not a word, but we believe everything we see on television. Vinny can’t be wrong.
10:56 p.m. – The Situation just came up with his latest contribution to pop culture. Landmines could be one of the most spectacular terms that we’ve ever heard. We’ll provide the difference between grenades and landmines with these photos.
10:58 p.m. – As a drunken Sammi lets us in on the worst-kept secret of the season – she still wants to be with Ronnie – he’s in a triple kiss with two other women at a club. That’s a perfect way to set the tone for the rest of the season. It’s bound to be a disaster and we just can’t wait to see how it unfolds.
11:00 p.m. – The trailer for the rest of the season is exactly what we expected to see. This is going to be absolute mayhem compared to the first season, and here’s why: there’s no faking now. These people know each other. They’ve lived together before. They’ve seen the best and worst of each other. There’s none of the awkwardness that goes on during the first week of shows like this where you’ve just met someone and you’re trying to make a good first impression. This crew is just ready to get after it, and so are we. This promises to be epic television. Tune in with us next week.
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